Sunday, November 25, 2007 | Sunday, November 25, 2007

I will not give up! I will survive! I will maintain my (miserable but still able to make it with merit) CAP!

Exams are a pain
they make one insane,
oh they're such a bane,
but they'll leave such a tiny grain
in years to come down the lane.
Come on you can do it, brain!
Grammar, postmodernism, politics, nature, business, come knock me inane!
(then again, maybe not.)

Thanks korkor for that you-give-up-now-you-will-forever-be-useless motivating talk. :)

Friday, November 16, 2007 | Friday, November 16, 2007

Entre biz module is making me very very miserable and eating up completely into my revision time. Only 10 days (urp 9 days to be specific) and i have not started studying! Top that up with the whole 'whose side you on huh huh' and idiot bitching and idiot blocking and diplomatic fence-sitting. Top that up with the fact that the greatest thing is i don't even have to bloody bother, given that if the grade i get isnt satisfactory, i can always S/U this. Top that up with the fact that presentation is in the middle of bloody study week. Top that up with appeasing emails but you find it's hypocritical since idiot hasn't changed and insists on remaining a stuckup idiot.

Seriously. At the cost of my four other modules, this really isnt worth it.

:(

Anna likes the dog and primitive flower balloons i twist.

:)

Evidence!

SIGH.

REPEAT: What do our light and momentary troubles seem, as compared to what Christ suffered for us?

REPEAT: My biz presentation next wed, my preparing for this before next wed, my five exam papers crammed into a mon eve, tues morn and eve, thur eve and fri morn, and my cramming for all these five modules in the space of 9 days are very light and momentary troubles.

***

Daddy: Anna, if you don't want to wear clothes, i'll take out the cane! Where's the cane?
Anna (happily): I show you!

Monday, November 05, 2007 | Monday, November 05, 2007

It's funny how one looks back in perspective, and laughs at present at what was cried about in the past.

I remember how mad i was at Nathan on friday night, how i lost my temper, screamed a perfectly intelligible, perfectly clear statement (or so i thought) at him and slammed down the phone.

And how today he tells me he couldn't make out at all at that point what i was growling about. Yes, he said growl -.-

And how perfectly indignant i was then about the fact that my whole (sarcasm) in my screamed out sentence was lost on him.

And after, how much we both laughed about it this morning.

It may be taking it out of context, but on perspective, what do our light and momentary troubles seem as compared to what Christ suffered for us?

There is nothing too difficult that God cannot solve it.

And also, that love is patient, love is kind, and that one is bankrupt without love.

Love has a life when it has patience
Dying when it is hurried
Dead when it cannot wait.

Love has a life when it is secure
Dying when it is doubting
Dead when it cannot trust.

- from sermon today

So everytime i switch on my laptop and see another email that agitates, everytime i face anything in school that makes me want to burst out, anytime i am tempted to not act out of love, God please remind me of this.

Saturday, November 03, 2007 | Saturday, November 03, 2007

Honestly. It's hard not to let it all get you down. Blah blah blah, put in a note of optimism. Blah blah blah, insert motivation quote for comfort. Blah blah blah, maybe talking to so and so would make me oh so much better.

Wrong.

I am sick and tired of everything. Of school, of people who aren't around when i need them, of being so overly conscious of the way i spend money now that i've lost weight and feel so easily tired.

And it certainly does not help when you step out of the shower realising you just developed a ginormous angry looking zit right smack in the middle of your forehead, in addition to the already present two huge ones. Really. I thought going through zits would have ended with teenagehood. To think i was actually looking forward to the end of it. Give me back any old day my tk green pleated skirt, my easy peasy lit stuff, my happy carefree outings to bugis and parkway and mr tay tze guan, the only teacher who ever made me feel i was really smart.

And no on-a-brighter-note ending. Because i am not smart.

Friday, November 02, 2007 | Friday, November 02, 2007

How deep the Father's love for us
How vast beyond all measure
That He should give His only Son
To make a wretch His treasure.

In all sadness, this song came to mind. God, that You should love such an ingrate.

BSF just wound up for the year, and it's a long break till next feb 21. It's nice to have your tuesday and thursday nights free for a change after having to deal with having only monday and wednesday nights free for weekdays since the year started..and that means more time to finish up remaining assignments so i can start studying for exams! Yet i still feel sad. I miss talking to some of my bsf mates already :(

And now I'm all alone again
Nowhere to turn, no one to go to.
Without a home, without a friend
without a face to say hello to
But now the night is near
And I can make-believe he's here

Sometimes I walk alone at night
When everybody else is sleeping
I think of him and then I'm happy
With the company I'm keeping
The city goes to bed
And I can live inside my head

On my own
Pretending he's beside me
All alone
I walk with him 'til morning
Without him, I feel his arms around me
And when I lose my way, I close my eyes and he has found me

In the rain
The pavement shines like silver
All the lights are misty in the river
In the darkness, the trees are full of starlight
And all I see is him and me forever and forever

And I know it's only in my mind
That I'm talking to myself and not to him
And although I know that he is blind
Still I say there's a way for us

I love him
But when the night is over
He is gone
The river's just a river
Without him, the world around me changes
The trees are bare and everywhere the streets are full of strangers

I love him
But every day I'm lonely
All my life I've only been pretending
Without me, his world will go on turning
The world is full of happiness that I have never known

I love him
But only on my own.

-Les Miserables

Watched this musical in London earlier this june, and i still remember how this was one of the few songs that made me cry while watching. Eponine sings this, pining for Marius while Marius remains oblivious to her love, because he is so infatuated with Cosette. And finally, in the musical, Eponine gets shot delivering Marius's love letter to Cosette during the French Revolution; she dies in Marius's arms, while he promises never to leave her. What happens in the actual novel, and what made me so disenchanted with this Marius guy, is that things weren't as floweryin the novel as in the musical. Eponine does get shot while delivering Marius's letter, but manages to crawl back to the barracks where he is. She sees the police taking aim at Marius, puts her hand over the gun barrel to stop the bullet, and gets the bullet going through her entire palm instead. She does lie dying in Marius's arms too, but only after having laid in the dirt for hours waiting to get Marius's attention (that stupid guy didn't know who saved him), and when she finally lies dying in his arms, she's barely dead before Marius quickly puts her down to go look for Cosette.

In short, what a letdown.